11 June 2008, I promised I’ll never forget this shame. Yesterday during preparation for Bio, I knew I could never do it. There is too much for me to complete. I felt panic and start to vomit. I really feel pressure; first time had this kind of feeling for exam. I mean it’s like I start thinking can I don’t go to school tomorrow. Every time I try concentrate I felt scared there’s too much things for me to memorize. At last I told mum, mum said I not prepared well in holidays, I think this is true, I don’t know Bio is on this week I prepared a bit Chemistry, Sejarah and physics, a bit BC and Maths during holidays. But not Biology and Add maths. So I do what Mum asked me slept earlier. Come to school, everyone like discussing they can’t finish the revision. Somehow in my class people keep discussing and throw up terms that I don’t know at all. Then in the whole paper, I was so scared and worry. I have few structure questions that I know answers but others I really don’t know what’s that at all. Come to essay part, I don’t even remember the digestive thing and the defense mechanism against pathogens. I didn’t write well.
Come to add maths, I didn’t study well. I don’t know how to do vector and those graph things. I missed out a lot questions. On the way back home sitting on bus, first time that I don’t even can closed my eyes. I had these papers in my mind. I had a feel that I felt ashamed and I feel like crying, really first time I felt like crying for exam, I didn’t do it on bus. But I think this time exam was a big stunned for me. I don’t remember which paper I’m confident that can score. This really much me to the worst situation I had thought. I felt so disappoint to myself. I think I just disappoint mum and other people that love me. I’m so damn frustrated. I’ll remember this feeling, this shame and the few drops of tears I dropped in my room.
I brought all these shame to myself and I had to be the one who bring them away or else they will just keep repeating. I’ll try my best to study for the remaining subjects. But I know it wouldn’t be too good. After exam no relaxes, I have to start the real study since I had not do that so. I had lost my right to be freedom, doing whatever I want like not going tuition, watching football and entertainments. My mum never say so, no one say so, I even still have the ability to control myself, but I know that myself with this time exam, I lost the right for doing whatever I want, I lost it to myself, so I should be restricted in a lot things. I ponder to myself few questions, am I became stupid and can’t absorb? Am I too confident? Am I too relaxes for exam? Is it the teachers can’t teach well? It’s my school not that good? I had influenced by my friends? I can’t give you a damn sure answer for these to myself, but I just have to do 1 thing for this- change myself. I’ll do whatever it takes to bring my heart back on study. I know I lost it for money or for girls. But I really will pull it back. I finally know what money can’t buy? The answer I need for exam and the proud feeing for being someone had good result. I’ll never let this shame and feeling back to me again!!! I promised not only to me but for mum and people that love me mostly papa and mama. Another thing I have to do is forget whatever people say like “don’t have to study so early” “don’t worry, you good enough” “SPM very easy only” Only myself know how good am I, so far very far than the word “good” and being the one don’t have to worry for SPM. Be strong, Chun Hui.
Stay and keep fighting! The road is still long, you just losing now but don’t lose until the end. I believe you can do so much better than this!!!
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